I think the world could use a little more batboy. For those of you who refuse to read hi-class newspapers like The Star, the Enquirer, and Weekly World News, “Bat Boy” is described as a creature who is ‘half human and half bat’. His pursuers, according to Weekly World News are scientists and United States government officials; he is frequently captured, only to makes a daring escape. The original scientist who found him was named Dr. Ron Dillon. An old boy named Matthew Daemon, S.O.S. (Seeker of Obscure Supernaturals) crossed paths with him on several occasions. I wish I had been around for that conversation.
“Who is Batboy?” you ask…..
Batboy started as a cover story on June 23, 1992. The original front-page photo of Bat Boy, showing his grotesque screaming face, was the second-best selling issue in the tabloid’s history, and he has since evolved into a kind of a nut, as Barney Fife might say.
According to Weekly World News, Bat Boy is just a little bit mixed up when it comes to right and wrong. He has been said to steal cars and ignore people in need of assistance. According to some folks, the only person who really cares about this dude is Dr. Ron Dillon, who discovered him in a West Virginia cave (Lost World Caverns). At the time of capture, he was two feet tall and weighed nineteen pounds. By February 2001, he was 2′ 6″. In 2004, he was five feet tall and his weight was unknown. He sheds his wings every three years, and regenerates a new pair.
On February 27, 2001, he allegedly attacked a fifth-grader in an Orlando, Florida, park. The girl was nearly ripped to shreds.[2] In October 2006, Bat Boy was captured on film riding on top of a New York City subway car. Bat Boy was said to be living in the subway system’s tunnels during this time. This story was converted into a “documentary” video on the Weekly World News web site.[3] The next day, he endorsed presidential candidate Al Gore.[4] Then in October 2008, Bat Boy endorsed John McCain but switched to Barack Obama soon after.[5] On August 14, 2003, he announced he was running in the California gubernatorial election.[6]
In November 2008, Bat Boy was seen protesting the passing of Proposition 8.[7]
Genealogy
According to the Weekly World News, the discovery of Bat Boy’s family tree on a genealogy chart recently stunned evolutionary scientists who used to think the famed imp was a pitiful, one-of-a-kind mutant – but now believe he belongs to a race of creatures who have interacted with humans for at least 400 years. In the tabloid’s account, the chart itself was written on vellum and found in the same Ozark Mountains cave where Dr. Ron Dillon, a biologist, rescued Bat Boy after he was trapped by a falling rock in 1992 (it should be noted, however, that the Ozark Mountains are nowhere near West Virginia). Carbon dating revealed the chart to be over a hundred years old.
| Name |
Lifespan |
Background |
| Artemis “Pip” Boee |
1591-1622 |
Little is known of his life. Arrived in the New World days after the landing of the Mayflower at Plymouth Rock on the lesser known vessel, The June Bug. |
| Charles Alexander “Cotton” Boee |
1612-1691 |
The son of Artemis, he was a prosperous farmer in Massachusetts. |
| John “Little Cotton” Boee |
1658-1722 |
The deeply religious firstborn of Charles who was devoted to his wife Rebecca. It is noted that her own birth was hard and long, resulting in slightly elongated ears. |
| Susannah Boee |
1661-1692 |
John and Rebecca’s daughter; she gave birth to two children, Alexander and David. The townspeople, perhaps frightened by her pointy ears, accused the woman of “consorting with Satan” during the Salem witch trials. She was burned at the stake; however, her children were not (in Salem, no witches were burned at the stake). |
| Alexander Boee |
1679-1769 |
The shortest family member on record, standing at twenty-eight inches tall. Remembered for having changed the spelling of his last name to “Boie” (“because he wanted people to think he was French”). |
| David Boee |
1682-1776 |
The younger brother of Alexander Boee. He is revered as the oldest soldier to fight for American independence. He was killed the day the British surrendered. |
| Catherine Boie |
1735-1815 |
Alexander’s daughter who was best known for her work with wildlife. She studied animals and kept many unusual species as pets, including bats. Her oldest child, Andrew, was fascinated with the nocturnal critters. |
| Andrew Jackson Boie |
1785-1866 |
Made the study of bats, owls and other nighttime animals his life’s work. |
| Rodney Boe |
1787-1869 |
Was Catherine’s youngest child, an inattentive speller who inadvertently dropped the “i” from the family name. Family friends presume Rodney’s poor scholarship was an attempt to focus attention on his smarter siblings, to divert eyes from his short stature, oversized eyes and pointed ears. |
| Archibald Boe |
1825-1911 |
Rodney’s firstborn, he left the family’s ancestral home in Massachusetts and moved to California, where people were “more tolerant” of unusual looking people. |
| Marcus Boe |
1875-1930 |
Eldest son of Archibald, he established himself as respected “bug man” with a successful exterminating business. There were rumors that he didn’t use flypaper or traps, but caught them with his mouth. |
| Horace “Joe Ears” Boe |
1890-1931 |
Archibald’s youngest son who left California at age thirteen, hopping an eastbound train to Chicago. Horace was shot dead in a shootout with famed federal agent Eliot Ness in 1931. |
| Margaret Boy |
1910-1983 |
Horace’s only child. She dropped the “e” from the family name and added a “y” so people wouldn’t associate her with her mobster dad. She left Chicago and moved to West Virginia. |
| Herbert Hoover Boy |
1944-1972 |
Worked in the coal mines of West Virginia as a child of 12, not of financial need, but because he liked caves and the job. |
| Susan Boy |
1954-? |
Herbert Sr.’s daughter. She achieved regional success as a country singer with a persona that has been likened to that of mountain songbird Dolly Parton. Susan’s liaisons with an unnamed country legend produced two children: Ruth Carter Cash Boy and “the one they call Bat”. |
| Ruth Carter Cash Boy |
1972-? |
“a quick learner who was able to quit school after the sixth grade.” It is unclear where she is today. |
| Bat Boy |
1982-? |
The brother of Ruth Carter Cash Boy. He is a decorated U.S. Marine who has confounded the authorities by stealing cars and biting children after serving his country as a “super patriot” on the front lines in Afghanistan and Iraq. |
No matter how you feel about it, Batboy is an American and thus we should celebrate him. He may not be worth a darn when it comes to manners, sense, or hygiene, but he deserves to be here just as much as you and me. He may steal cars and bite, but he has enough sense to get in the news a lot. In this country, that’s a pretty smart move.
